42-49 toward the Omer

malkhut shebyesod

I do not know exactly what was going on, but I must have been—hopefully was—present. Too present to keep a record. Yes, that would be a great spin on the situation, even if it falls short of a true accounting.

chesed shebmalkhut

The wooden bench under the two trees across the little creek in the backyard held me until there was somewhere else I was moved to be and so moved myself. Upon what shall I train my eyes if not on those budding branches?

gevurah shebmalkhut

The next thing in front of my face, and the next thing, and the next thing. Dayton. Cleveland. Toronto. The mountain is clouded. The mountain is coming. The mountain is not yet. We are made pilgrims. We are made the pilgrimage. The mountain stands

tiferet shebmalkhut

between us here in Montreal, or inside me somewhere—the base is wide, and I cannot see beyond the sudden shame of my bare shoulders. I go inside, take space on the balcony. The kids sell popcorn in the back alley, ride by on rollerskates,

netzach shebmalkhut

push each other in strollers. We make it home, air conditioner on the fritz, and it’s time to go. Doctor, dentist, Shabbat, Shavuot, not that I’m looking backward or anything. Oh Orpheus, oh Idit—if only we could let what has been die in its time

hod shebmalkhut

and therefore live, and keep living ourselves. The plants did not wait for our return to start growing. I unpack the car, see some clients, prepare for marriage. Quiches go into the oven, come out of the oven. Compostable plates arrive. Light blue pants. Too many vests. 

yesod shebmalkhut

I stumble over my untied shoes. Eurydice, city of S’dom—would you be okay if we didn’t look back? Looking is touching, God says. I didn’t think you’d show up with me this late in the game, I say. I was, God says. I am. I will be.

malkhut shebmalkhut

Well, then, I say, let’s get going. I’ll stay here, God says, and see you there. Can I look back? I say. Wherever you look, God says, is forward. Choose yours carefully. I will, I say. I tie my laces, straighten up, and walk, present at last, accounted for.